i could never list the bounty of blessings that God has given me, there isn’t the time nor space.  and with acknowledging that, comes the freedom to soak it all in; taking stock of not what i’m without, but what/who is with me.  for if my God, our God is with us, then what can stand against us!

i love the idea of ‘raising the dead in me’ from another tune, Switchfoot’s ’24′.  ultimately i’m most thankful, most grateful for that.  it’s the one thing that i could not do for myself; a condition that i’m trying to deal with.  if you are like me (maybe it’s male pride), there is a certain satisfaction in doing things for yourself; you can define your worth in moments such as those.  the truth is, the God of the Universe defines us and places a value on us; an insurmountable sum that is only paid by the death of His Precious Son.  as one pastor in my region says, ‘i can’t tell you what you are worth’.

in all seasons, i’m thankful for truth.  sometimes the voices of the world and the taunts of the devil are oddly relatable.  we tend to believe what we hear most……which is often lies.  how terrible a world, a fallen world where truth is at a premium!  i’m thankful that i’m called to live an inverted life, a life, a soul set apart by God.  placed here for purpose.  made for meaning.  loved for love’s sake. 

share thankfulness.  tell others about it.  tell your story.  no matter how rocky, broken or tattered.  for He makes beautiful things out of us.

i was just thinking….

is it a novella?  an album of twelve tunes?  is it simpler than that, yet more complex?  what’s the most important thing i can focus on?  and/or worry about?  since that seems to be my only means of figuring things out…….if i worry about and generate enough cognitive thought about the worst case scenario and if that scenario doesn’t play out, then i win.  but what have i gained in this trial?  a better appreciation for what i didn’t want to happen?

so, i’m not where i should be with that.  but, Matthew 6 is coming to mind; sometimes when i don’t want it to.  there is a precious purpose in planning, in control.  letting it slip through my hands is by no means my first instinct.

so, i know what i need to do.  trust.  hope.  love.  without being loved.  because i was first loved.  it’s a language i’m learning more and more about.

for no reason, whatsoever, a feeling from last night has carried forward.  the only combatant is the belief of beauty in the breakdown.

my overarching ache is one nestled somewhere between head and heart as something’s amiss.  my passion lies elsewhere, it just has to!  i’m reminded of Matthew 6, reminding us not to worry.  it’s not worry so much as it is complacency.  it’s apathy.  it’s disinterest.  it’s debilitating.  it’s evident.  it’s time.

it’s only a season, i’m sure.  but like a season thing, a moment changes everything.  reasons for seasons are posing as treason.  if only this season could come with more reason.  understanding the changes and being known only to strangers are two things that constantly weigh me down.  helpless i clammer, sober i stagger, for clarity’s crystal clear calm.

the setting was a home in dallas and the details are irrelevant, but i’ll just say he and i had a mutual interest.  due to the heavy nature of said interest, it was important to him to know more about me.  this was all accomplished by the aforementioned question he posed to me.  after an introduction where we merely exchanged names and handshakes, he inquired:

‘would you tell me about your relationship with God?’

stunned, i spoke.  now, years later, i still cannot tell you what i replied with.  i do know that whatever sentence fragments that escaped were lies.  truth be told, my relationship with God was nonexistent.  i may have said all the right things to suit his approval, but that question lingered in my heart.  i still reference it today, almost as a measuring stick of the work that God has done in my life.  for if i am anything, i am changing; by His hand coupled with His grace.  that day, that moment, was innately uncomfortable.  but i am eternally grateful for it.  i’m thankful for a brother, ironically stated, that cared enough to ask the question that had to be asked.

thank you, brett.  blessings to you and yours.

today, however, was different.  i saw something that was so familiar, yet distant.   for once, i took the time to think about how it made me feel.  it was a refreshing sight and a cleansing one as well.  running errands on my lunch hour has become commonplace, almost as much as forgetting my lunch.  today was no different in that regard.  long lines at the sandwich shop were absent; a win for the ages.  leaving, i sauntered at a casual pace towards my car, baking in the august-like june heat.  my eye was drawn to a couple leaving the supermarket.  this was not an odd sight, but they were different.  with a combined age of probably 160, they strolled ever so carefully from the curb to their car.  the path they chose, weaving in and out of rows of parked cars, let me to believe that they were not entirely certain where they had left theirs.  i could not hold the smile in much longer.

throughout their journey of a few moments, their hands remained clasped in a firm, yet arthritically gentle grip.  while he led, scanning the space for a glimpse of their car, she remained at his side, concentrating on her left hand in his and the right holding her purse.  they never once looked at one another, not even when he closed the passenger side door with her safely seated.

like high tide, memories of my mother’s parents came flooding forward.  i was reminded of the genuine adoration that they shared for one another.  it was almost as if this couple today was living in a world that had passed away;  the world my grandparents lived in.  he, a farmer with countless acres to tend and she, a housewife with four children to raise; lived and loved and breathed and basked in simpler times.  it was and is a beautiful picture of a life-long romance.  even their separate departures from this earth paralleled their lives together; he led and she followed.

is this a fleeting love?  character, mannerisms, they are much different today.  though my grandparents have been gone nearly 20 years, the memory that i have of them was reinforced today by a chance meeting with that lovely couple.  and, therein lies the beauty.  that is the kind of man that i long to be.  the language of chivalry and respect and honor is something that today’s men don’t understand.  in fact, most are far from fluent.  some of us are a generation of men raised by women, thus not knowing and never seeing how life is lived as a man.

yet….strive.  for me, today’s encounter with that gentle man and his lovely wife was a fading sunset.  maybe not as bright as it once was, but strong enough to emit light for those who want to see.

36 days til departure

a few months ago i noticed that while my passport is valid, the pages are nearly blank.  save three trips to the Caymans, i have experienced very little of the globe.  in just over 5 weeks that will change.  to me, this is the perfect dichotomy of time away:  service and selfishness.  the driving force in this amazing opportunity originated last fall in my heart.  i really felt God leading me to a time spent abroad, serving and loving His people.  at first, it wasn’t clear where.  trips to Nigeria, Peru and Slovenia caught my attention and i seemed to be on my way from a planning perspective.  i didn’t know it at the time, but a cup of coffee at fido foreshadowed what was to come.

while enjoying the brew in the company of a good friend, i found myself listening to a vulnerable heart.  all the love-joys of the previous months were reduced to ruin.  the plans she had made for herself were erased from possibility.  i won’t forget the wild dream that was shared; to leave this country and live abroad.  to which i promised, ‘if you go, i will visit.’  looking back, it just seemed like the right thing to say, more like a nice gesture as opposed to an iron-clad commitment.

fast-forwarding a bit, i learned of my church’s support of a new German church plant in Potsdam and i attended an informational meeting.  this is it!  everything after that seemed to fall into place.  the team was assembled, the goals defined and we began praying for our departure and the work that would be done.  nine days in Germany; charged with spreading the love of Christ and encouraging the core team at the church in Potsdam (lovepotsdam.wordpress.com).  but wait……..there’s more.

my aforementioned friend decided to accept a job in Italy beginning in June, which was an amazing blessing; a true answered prayer.  i had also found out that many times when traveling overseas on a mission trip, some of the attendees can elect to go early or stay late to explore the country/area where they are serving.  thus, it was my petition to our group leader as well as my employer for me to leave the states a week early and explore Europe.  i had heard a message in church recently that had said that God truly gives us the desire of our hearts.  i remember aligning that with my career, as i do question that from time to time.  deep down, however, traveling is near the top of the list of ‘things i love to do’.  granted, it’s not a unique dream, but it’s seldom fulfilled.  blessings abound.

with the go ahead from our team leader, the travel agent and my boss……….the stage was set.  vacation for a week in Europe, serve for a week in Germany.  God could not have orchestrated a more beautiful itinerary!  i will even be able to visit my friend in Italy!  so much of me feels ready to pack up and go right now, and yet, another part feels completely unprepared, unplanned and unable to grasp what i will experience and see and do.  locally, there is a semi-serious pool at work, betting whether or not i will cash in my return ticket and stay a while.  hmmm, it’s a nice thought.

all in all, i’m floored.  i am elated.  i am undeserving.  all those feelings lead me to thankfulness.  maybe through me, God can impact and change lives in Germany.  i believe that He can, i just hope that this vessel is up to the task.  doubt creeps in from time to time, like smoke through a keyhole.  but i’m reminded of truth in troublesome times.  triumphant truth.

Acts 1:8

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.

i’m comforted with that.  see the world.  let it not change you.  change it.

do you ever find yourself in a place where you can’t find yourself?  where nothing seems like ‘you’.  even your own reflection has become alien.  down in the dumps doesn’t even compare to the strange feeling that has imbedded deep in a place you don’t talk about at parties.

maybe it’s a valley.  for me, it’s felt more like an abyss.

i recharge in two different ways:  social and solitude.  oddly enough, both are out of order.  my alone/quiet time isn’t fruitful and sincere.  and sometimes when i’m around others, i find myself wanting to be somewhere else.  neither is something i’m pleased with, and i’m in need of an attitude adjustment.

to that end, i’m led to thankfulness.  so………my job isn’t the most exciting.  so……….i don’t have a fiance like so many of my close friends.  so………..what?!  i feel charged with how my happiness is defined.  am i without?  hardly.

this world, in its present form, is passing away.

look around!  whether you are a Christian or not, i think you can agree with that.  in that same vein, does carpe diem seem so cliche?  can we truly live that way?

let’s find out!  just press play

i spent the weekend with friends just north of here.  now, one would think that because of the years of conversation that we have collectively amassed, everyone would have a pretty solid idea of what the other thinks/feels.  but, upon engaging a few friends in a ‘post-trip recap’, i’ve learned that we’ve learned nothing.  is she too guarded?  is he a flirt?  does that extra cologne and hint of a smile mean anything?

coed interaction can yield analytical suffocation.

but should it?

i understand people have built up social walls.  some, out of necessity.  and i speak as one personality, so, naturally, i want people to be like me.  i know that isn’t the case and i’m not the archetype.  would life, the single life, be easier if we said exactly what we are thinking……at any given moment?  showing your cards to the other person doesn’t necessarily mean you will lose the hand.  it just means that you might have a better chance of receiving honesty if you gift some yourself.

igbok

it’s gonna be o.k.

i pride myself on being a consumer of information.  and yet, this little gem slipped right past me.  and to just bring it a little closer to home, my pastor is credited, along with another gentleman, of coining the phrase.  goodness the irony!  well, for me at least.  it’s interesting how affixing something to a possession of yours sometimes only changes the outward appearance of the possession.  i would hope that the opposite would ring true in this case.

truth comes at a premium these days.  at any moment, anywhere, anyone can convey any message about anything.  and it’s immediately attainable!  just sitting there, ready to penetrate curious minds and hearts.  be careful little eyes what you see.  that’s precisely why i can appreciate, recommend, even endorse something that appeals to my spiritual senses.  that phrase, and the meaning behind it, is brilliant.  and it appears just for an instant, a mere flash in traffic.  but, if you allow yourself to hold onto that mantra for longer than a moment, you might come to an understanding that might surprise you and give you an entirely new perspective about…everything.

what made you mad today?  did you forget your lunch; leave it on the kitchen counter?  did your boss make you feel insignificant?  how’d that paper go…..did you pass?  are your children knocking off boxes of cereal on aisle seven, laughing hysterically while you search for a coupon?  okay, after asking and answering those questions…..go one more.

what of any of that will matter in 1,000 years?

and maybe a bit deeper…..are we/you/us living with an eternal perspective?

within the last year, i think know God has made incredible changes in my thinking, my worrying and my perspective.  i adoringly refer to the event as my ‘Renaissance’.  granted, we are all in repair.  we are all ’57 chevy’s.  the most beautiful creations, but we have an oil leak.  oops, gotta replace the fan belt.  what’s that noise?  sounds like……..yup.  squeaky brakes.  better get that looked at.  at one point, we will all have to deal with an issue that can be a mild inconvenience or a catastrophic meltdown.  so what?  how do you handle it?  Peter writes that are called to suffer.  can we rejoice in those moments?  before you answer, another question……..are we rejoicing in those moments?  different answers, right?  thought so.

it’s gonna be o.k.

do we know that?  do we trust in that?  do we trust Truth?  whoa.  you do realize that’s what it is, right?  if Christ said it, believe it.  that doesn’t seem like it would be a great leap of faith to confide in that, to acknowledge that, to absorb that.  and yet, it is.  but that’s the problem with the word ‘it’.  we think that pronoun is constricting, that sometimes, our situations and struggles are too big for ‘it’ to describe what we are going through.  maybe ‘iagbok’ would be better, adding the ‘all’ might change things for us?

my friend had lasik eye surgery this week.  the surgery and recovery were painful, but she chose a good doctor and trusted him when he said the pain would subside after a few days.

it’s gonna be o.k.

she’s so excited to be able to be contact-free.  she was joyful about the ability to see clearly without the aide of corrective lenses.  clear sight, unhindered.  how great…….seeing with a new perspective.

it’s gonna be o.k.

there’s no spiritual lasik surgery.  it is, however, elective.

sometimes.

i’m not opposed to learning something new.  not at all.  however, there is a resounding importance of being ‘me’.  and for you, the reader, to be ‘you’.  in the coming entries, the roux of each is to be true to myself.  along with that, i hope to seldom press the delete button; in hopes of publishing something raw, while still being palatable to the masses.

anonymity of those mentioned on this site is paramount, although i don’t intend to be cryptic.

a discussion with a friend a few weeks ago led me to ponder the timeless call and response: ‘how are you doing?’  ’good’.  there is, quite possibly, not an ounce of truth in that person’s reply!  and why not?!  why are we not able to truly comment about our own state of affairs?!  are we ashamed?  are we fearful of what might come out?  do we think that the other person might not care?  or d), all of the above?

our busy lives and our introverted-ness don’t allow us to be honest.  i’m guilty of this, many times over.  and when i really stop and think about it, my true friends and loving family do want to know.  this glossed-over question, while cordial and acceptable, seems to break down true relationship to a one-word, predetermined reply!  ’good’.  what if it isn’t?  what if you just received some heart-wrenching news?  what if you lost your job just hours ago?  what if ____?  you fill in the blank.

honestly, i don’t care for pulp.  i think it’s the worst part about orange juice.  but there is something to be said for the part of the fruit that helps create the end product, juice. maybe the pulp is still present in select cartons at your local grocer for more than consistency.  maybe to truly understand and appreciate the end product, you have to get to a place where you are comfortable with what preceded it.

the people that ask the question and aren’t prepared for your heart’s true answer…..i just wonder if they are worthy of hearing it.

if you ask for pulp, expect it in return.  and drink it all in, for the sake of those afflicted.  you will be a better friend for it.